Musings

I have so much on my mind right now. Things are so hard. The decisions I make not only affect me, but Ben, the babies, and many of those around us. I don't like hurting people, and I don't like my actions to hurt people, but in the end I have to do what's right for me.

 

I have been hurt so much during my life by people I love, friends, boyfriends, and others... My conclusion to this is that it is up to me to not allow it. I simply can't, for my sanity... I can't.

 

 

I want to be happy, I can feel it just out of my reach. I can see it glimmering in the distance, smiling at me, waiting for me. Why can't I catch it? Why can't I hold it in my arms, embrace it, smile with it? Why oh why?

 

Is it me? Is it I am afraid to be truly happy? Am I the one who's distant? Am I playing hard to get?

 

I smile when inside I feel like screaming, I hold my head high when I feel like crumbling... nothing is real, I am a fake, a phony, and a coward to myself. I don't know my own self. Who am I? Where am I going? Who am I suposed to be? What do I want?

 

 

The shitty thing is I hold the key, the key to my own happiness, my own misery.... Maybe I need to learn acceptance, and learn peace, inner peace. Finding myself inside of myself and nurturing the inner child. Finding my inner innocence and learning to not see the world through the tainted eyes of an angry adult, but that of a whimsical child. Finding the joys of seeing a rainbow, or smelling roses, or running through daisies.

 

 

Maybe, just maybe, I will come to my senses and finally see, see all that I can be. All that I am, and ever will be.

Moving on...

Life over the past few months has been really hard. Some days more than others. I have learned a lot about myself, those around me, and those no longer around me. I have learned that I don't need anyone. However, I can choose to have people in my life. Being dependent on other people for happiness has always been a down fall of mine. I realize I am in control of my life, happiness, destiny, and the people I choose to have around me. If something or someone isn't a fit for my life, then it just IS. There doesn't have to be a reason, or a long drawn out drama filled quest of why's, how comes, what did I do? Nope, none of that, if some thing isn't right, it just isn't. 

I have been apply this to many things in my life, like my house for example. I never knew what was me. I had all this stuff that was given to me over the years, or I'd look at someone else's stuff and start buying things because that's what that person like, never truly thinking about what I liked. Well since I have had some major life changing stuff happen, I have been going through my stuff, EVERYTHING, and asking myself is this really me? Do I like, want, or need this? Honestly I have thrown A LOT out, donated, or gifted things. I am just tired of living in someone else's shadow with things that have little or no meaning to me personally. 

I went through my clothes, shoes, pots, pans,and I will say I was a confused, jumbled mess. I am learning to like myself, hopefully to love myself one day. It is OK to be me, OK to like/dislike things, and to have what I want. 

Hell, I even revamped my Ravelry page, I had tons of projects on there I was never going to make, had em there only because someone else liked em. I have come to realize less is more for me, the less chaos I have the more fulfilled I feel. 

I am responsible only for me. I can't make anyone feel any certain way. I own my thoughts and feelings and I feel if people would do the same, everyone would be a lot happier. I am trying to raise my kids with as little emotional trauma as possible, this way when they're adults they won't have so much garbage to sift through in their own souls. Trust me, I have a lot of emotional garbage!!!

I have been taking my kids out alone, who'd have thought I would do that? I am so glad I did :) We went fishing yesterday. They were able to run in the sun, get soaked in lake water, and make a new friend. I sat and pondered, soaked up some sun, and even managed to catch a trout :) Good times!

I plan on making salt dough ornaments this week with them and decorating for Christmas. I just know everything is going to look awesome. Instead of dwelling on the past I am picking up hooks, needles, yarn, and going to craft. I am going to start painting my house. I am going to teach myself to sew. nd by god I am going to keep my blog up to date for me. So I can get all these thoughts, feelings, and ideas out of my mind and somewhere where I can organize them.

Oh, and a side note here... if your on my blog and your not my friend or family and something offends you... your stalking me, you shouldn't be on here, and you know who you are. Don't call, don't email, kindly stay off my page and away from me.

Feelin' fulfilled...

I have to say that today has to have been one of the most perfect days ... I have been crafting with the kids all morning, we made shrinky dinks. For those who do not know what they are, they are little bits of a thin plastic material with an image printed on it that you color with colored pencils. I did a few and so did the babies. Really this was a trial run, to see if they'd like it or not. They loved it tons & now all of our beautiful art work is hanging on the fridge.

Tomorrow we're going to make new crayons out of old crayons. Once we do it I will post a how-to on here. I still really need to post all my pics from today's adventures as well.

The babies are lying in their beds watching Strawberry Shortcake, I am sitting with my granny blanket in my lap, my HUGE mug of Crystal Light, and almost all my lights are out. Just a few candles burning & "Crime 360" is on in the back ground. I have a warm puppy lying next to me, and finally have no headache. I'm full, kids are full, and I think the fur babies are too.

This is my moment. My happiness.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Following the happiness...

The pic above is a bath poof I just made for the hubby.

But this bottom pic is my granny stripe blanket. I love this pic so much and it has all my fav things... Coffee, yarn, a hooky project, and my antiquey light :) I look and instantly smile.

Just this very short post to share something that makes me so happy :)

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Happiness Pursuit...

So, I have started my granny blanket that I'd talked about earlier. I have several rows started on it & I must say that so far I am quite happy with it. HERE is the link to what I am making although I have cut my blankie in half. Instead of 240 I am doing 120. I am doing this simply because I am making this one for Lou Lou Belle...

When the baby says "It's so soft and snugly momma, it hasta be good", how can I resist???

Yeah... it's hers <3

I look into those big beautiful blue eyes and just can  not resist her :)

Sooooo in the beginning there is yarn, lots & lots of yarn...

How I do love yarn, I think I am border line hoarder, obsessive lol. I love the feel, smell, and colors so much. I think yarn (my obsession with yarn) is a very good anti depressant. Anyone who knows me knows that I have Major Depressive Disorder & Social Anxiety. Eh, I am OK for the most part, I deal... hell maybe a  little ADHD in there too.... Ummm where was I? Oh, yes, my Blanety Blankie Blanket...

OMJesus the frikkin chining 120 & then getting the SC right is a bastaaaarrrrddd, but I did it! I can not imagine doing the actual 240!!!! Go Lucy of Attic24, go!!! 

I am using knit picks comfy worsted yarn in a multitude of colors, if you;d like to know exactly what it is, it is here on my ravelry page. 

This is what I have so far :)

I am totally in love already and only after 5 rows. I am getting a lot better at things, I must say that tension is an absolute necessity... meaning that you must learn how to have an even tension. I myself tend to crochet/knit much tighter than everyone I know. Soooo I use a needle/hook 1-2 times bigger than called for.   It honestly is much more important than what I'd originally thought! I am using an I hook & my yarn is a DK ish weight. 

Well friends I will continue to post updated work here ;0)

Please say a prayer or send good thoughts, my dog is gravely ill.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

This little light of mine...

I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine...

Today was end of year performances at Lily's school. She's in a preschool Tuesday-Thursday, 12:30 -3:30. These are something that I have been looking forward to  all year. I got to see her with her friends, some old, some new. I even made a friend & our kids want to have play dates :) That's something I have always wanted... play dates :)

They sang "This Little Light", "Down by the Bay", "Chili Peppers", and "Out in the Desert". Yep, I did, I recorded the whole thing, goofy smiles & all. I was so proud & teared up so much. How I adore my Lilyana Lee <3

Oh, yes... pictures :)

Here is Wyatt anxiously awaiting Lily...

Lily sitting with her class mates... Her BFF Dani Lee is in the green shirt...

Her other BFF Carolina is in the blue vest... Carla is in white, she's Carolina's sister...

This is Miss Angela's (Lily's class) & Miss Emilies class combined....

My pretty girl having snack...

Two peas in a pod, Dani & Lily...

Here's her friend who she always sits with on the school bus, Marcus...

Lily has 3 teachers ...

Miss Peggy

Miss Raquel...

And her main teacher, Miss Angela :)

What a great year, with fantastic friends, learning experiences, and friendships. I am so blessed to have such an amazingly beautiful, sweet, smart, big girl. I love you Lilyana Lee, I am glad God chose me to be your momma :) I am proud of you!!!

 Next year no more special ed <3

That's all of my gushing :)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Pursuit of Happiness

Hmmm, lots going on in my head. I think people in general aren't bad, but all have a bad streak in them? I am making it a priority at this point in my life to be a much more positive person. By doing so I am cutting people out of my life who bring me down. I am done with giving second, third, fourth chances. I have got to be the best mommy, friend, and wife I can be, so that I am happy with myself inside. I am on the pursuit of happiness. 

Having said that, I am going to dive more into my yarn obsession, knit & crochet things that make me smile, and surround myself with positive colors, energy, vibes, & images. 

Current WIPS are:

Granny Stripe Blankie

Granny Mandala

My sockies

All of these things make me happy. The yarn colors, feel, and finished project makes me smile. I love to give my creations away as much as I like to keep things. I am thinking of working on some things for my mom as well. Maybe if I fill my time with needles & hooks I won't have time to think of any negativity in my down time :) 

Well I believe this is my first post with out pics? Eh, click on the links & you'll see. 

Love this song "Pursuit of Happiness"