Ugh

I tried calling today to see if anyone had cancelled their appointment so I could get in sooner to see the techs. Of course no one had. I could hope, right? I didn't let it ruin my day. I guess I am just more anxious than I realize. I am trying not to talk about it too much, trying not to think about it too much, or whine. It's hard because the pain is always there, but sometimes I forget about it. 

I was checking my boob earlier today and I couldn't find my lump. I got so excited and thought "Oh man, it's gone". No it's still there, as big as ever, I was checking the wrong spot. The soreness is in the arm pit and into my arm now. The saying from some is that breast cancer doesn't hurt, while just as many say it does. I wonder about that. 

I am bone tired. Not sleeping well, having nightmares. I dunno why I just hate sleeping in my bedroom. I prefer the floor in the living  room. It is so nice and cool and cozy down here. My bedroom seems so cold in an emotional way, but it's hotter than the devils drawers. 

Fall is fast approaching here. There's this lovely nip in the air in the early mornings and night. I am so in love with Flagstaff. I truly feel like this is my home. I love it here. The colors seem so much more vivid here, the air is thinner, not the oppressive heat of Tucson. Tucson to me is brown and dead and ugly. No water, everyone is in a mad rush because the heats made them crazy. I like the small every body-knows-your-name feeling here. The children love to run and play in the grass here and get their feet muddy at the lake. 

I am hoping I have many more days like this with them...

I hope...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO