I'M BACK

I had thought awfully seriously about deleting my blog, and I did for a while. But I have decided that's just plain silly. I love blogging, even though I am not super regular at it. I have  also decided to not let the negative of another person interfere with me doing what I love.

I am in a good place mentally right now. There are many changes coming soon for Ben & I & the babies. I know that these things will enrich our lives and make things easier on our little family as well as the rest of the family. I am always looking at the bigger picture, trying to be the best that I can be. I think that Ben is striving for that too :)

Flagstaff has been the hardest move we have ever made. Financially it's insane here. It's beautiful, weather is always fantastic, and the schools are pretty decent. I miss my family in Tucson though, I miss my mom and dad especially. Sometimes I feel so cut off from everyone and everything, and that's what I wanted moving here wasn't it? Well, it was, but now not so much. I have learned that your problems follow you wherever you go, you can't run from things or people. Maybe I was even running from myself. I am different now, I won't tolerate negative. I have learned that all I have to do is walk away from a bad situation. I am OK with that. Just because someone else is miserable doesn't mean that I have to be, or that I should be. Being happy and smiling kills your enemies, makes the wallow in it. I am done wallowing & hiding!

I am going on a hunting trip my love this weekend in Benson AZ. I am so looking forward to it :) I have never really been hunting, just out shooting. I am not hunting myself, I am going as  a scout for the hubby. I am def going to be posting pictures of that!!!

Other than that, I am plain old simple me. Making all my home made goodies, living, loving, and laughing.

Well after all my testing I have found out that  I do not have cancer. I have an infection in some scar tissue in my breast. It's still driving me nuts, but that's ok... I do not have cancer. 

I have been back to making & selling my soaps. I love it :) It seems that a few of them are big favorites & that makes me happy. Pumpkin Spice, Honey Vanilla Vanilla, & Hemp Chamomile. I am also back to making my lip balms. They are becoming a favorite from people too. 

www.facebook.com/JamiesCorner is my link :)

Life has been pretty hard this past year. I think I have gone through enough to bring anyone down. I have had some really horrible moments, and a lot of wake up calls. I have learned a lot about myself and am working very hard on not being who I was a year ago.

In March I had a nervous breakdown and tried to kill myself. I was drinking and taking Welbutrin (yes it was prescribed to me). It just made me snap. I have dealt with that and pretty much forgiven myself. My Ben was there for me the entire time, and I kept it all from my kids. 

The family turmoil I was going through with everyone in Tucson and my job all ended in May when we moved to Flagstaff. It's been good for us here. We have a life & were happy.

June 12th my uncle (who I have always called my brother because I am adopted) died of Cystic Fibrosis. It has brought up a lot of anger on my part, specifically because the last year of his life we just couldn't get a long. I blame his wife mainly for that. She would add fuel to the fire and manipulate him to where he didn't know fact from fiction. She didn't even call to let me know he was slipping away. She made sure HER family was there all the while pushing my family out. My brother did with out us ever making ammends. I will never forgive her for it. I can't stand to see her play the role of the grieving widow. Evil, pure evil. 

Now there's a lot weighing on my mind for my aging parents. So many decision that weigh on me. I am trying so hard to remain positive and focus on the here and now. But, I have to think about the future, everything I am trying to build here can be ripped from me in an instant.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Tomorrow is the day

I don't know if it's just me or not, but Aunt Flo arrived today and I can barely feel my lumps. I am hoping that's a good thing and that maybe they are leaving! I will know tomorrow for sure. In the meantime I will sit and focus all of my positive energy into them being nothing more than normal changes. Fingers crossed!

Soap & Cancer

I am in lots of pain today. I am seriously hoping everything is OK. I am having "Oh Shit" moments, where I think that if I do have cancer everything would change. When I am looking in the mirror brushing my hair I wonder how many more times will I brush my hair? Will I have hair in the next few months? Oh course those thoughts quickly turn into, how far is it, how bad is it, will I die? I haven't been diagnosed with ANYTHING yet, except masses. I do not know why I am tormenting myself. I think the closer Thursday gets I am stressing more. I already have anxiety disorder and this  ain't helping. I wonder of I have to have chemo how I will go through it with my husband on the road all the time. My SIL says she'll be here and help in any way she can. I know she will, but I hate to put myself on anyone like that. Obviously I am thinking far ahead, but that's in my nature. I won't apologize for it. No one can tell another person how to feel or what to think. I am getting a lot of that, or having to explain why I am so freaked out. Well let me just say that if you find a mass anywhere on your body and it causes you as much pain as mine does, you'll freak out too. Having said all my negative whiney boo hoo poo poo... I will not take any of this laying down. Should they be fibroids I will get them removed and go on, if it is cancer... well, then I will fight. Tooth and nail. I will not let it best me, nor make me resentful, nor mean. I will do what I have to do and be done with it. 

I am an avid soap maker, love experimenting & by hell this has thrown me for a loop. I am not interested in anything. I have been cleaning a lot because I just don't know what to do with myself. I think I need to get out some. Maybe I will take my little boy fishing tomorrow while my girl is in school. That would be a nice get a way for a little bit, and I just might catch dinner :)

I am waiting on a few orders to come in so that I can make my little girl & my niece some raspberry cheesecake soap. I am going to make it bright pink with glitter. they are just going to love it! Making things for other people makes me feel so good. I am not trying to get rich on my soaps, just make enough to fuel my obsession. I will never use store bought soap again :)

Ugh

I tried calling today to see if anyone had cancelled their appointment so I could get in sooner to see the techs. Of course no one had. I could hope, right? I didn't let it ruin my day. I guess I am just more anxious than I realize. I am trying not to talk about it too much, trying not to think about it too much, or whine. It's hard because the pain is always there, but sometimes I forget about it. 

I was checking my boob earlier today and I couldn't find my lump. I got so excited and thought "Oh man, it's gone". No it's still there, as big as ever, I was checking the wrong spot. The soreness is in the arm pit and into my arm now. The saying from some is that breast cancer doesn't hurt, while just as many say it does. I wonder about that. 

I am bone tired. Not sleeping well, having nightmares. I dunno why I just hate sleeping in my bedroom. I prefer the floor in the living  room. It is so nice and cool and cozy down here. My bedroom seems so cold in an emotional way, but it's hotter than the devils drawers. 

Fall is fast approaching here. There's this lovely nip in the air in the early mornings and night. I am so in love with Flagstaff. I truly feel like this is my home. I love it here. The colors seem so much more vivid here, the air is thinner, not the oppressive heat of Tucson. Tucson to me is brown and dead and ugly. No water, everyone is in a mad rush because the heats made them crazy. I like the small every body-knows-your-name feeling here. The children love to run and play in the grass here and get their feet muddy at the lake. 

I am hoping I have many more days like this with them...

I hope...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Something Odd

So, I have had this lump in my breast for about 6 months (that I have noticed). It has recently, over the last couple weeks, become seriously painful. I put it off and put it off to go get it checked and I just finally couldn't take it any longer. The feeling is like an ache in my breast & arm pit, There are times when there's a burning/tingling feeling as well. The day finally came that I went to the doctor.

She felt both breasts and said that my right breast is a normal, healthy, lumpy breast with some cysts. My left is all sort of outta whack, and has not 1, but 3 "masses". One is close to the side of my arm pit, it is irregular shaped with a ridge. The other 2 she didn't really comment on, she just pointed out their exact location so that I could show the techs when I go for my ultrasound & mammogram. She's very concerned. She says by their shape and texture that they aren't cysts.

So, Thursday 8/29/13 I go at 2:15 for imaging. First and ultrasound, then a mammogram. I was told that a mammo on a 32 year old woman in reproduction years is very hard to read seeing that my breasts are thicker and more dense. I am scared about the mammo, I am scared it's going to really hurt. I think more so because my breast already hurts and is sensitive. Of course I am scared about what the tests will say because it very well could be cancer. 

In my mind I have already told myself that I have cancer, that way if I do then it won't be such a blow when it's confirmed. One things that's absolutely driving me crazy is the fact that people keep saying "I am sure it's nothing, you'll be fine, if it is we will get through it". While all of these things are great to hear, it makes me a little angry. If I was OK, I wouldn't be in all this pain. If it were nothing, there wouldn't be masses in my breast. We will get through this means that, yes I have friends who love me, but it is me that is going through this. I have to sit and wonder if I have breast cancer. I have to sit and wonder how bad it is, has it spread, will I survive longer than 10 years if it is cancer. People say I am looking to far into the future, but put yourself in my position... you'd be doing it too. I am scared, really scared. If it turns out to be nothing then I will be grateful I stressed for nothing. I am allowed to feel how I feel. 

Having said all of my negative thoughts, I am going to stay positive. I am going to donate all of my hair right away to locks of love if I should have to have chemo. If I do not have cancer I am still going to donate 8" of my hair. I know how to knit & crochet, so I will never have to walk around bald. But, I do plan on making and donating 25 chemo caps regardless of the outcome of my tests. I also feel that this scare has brought me closer to my friends & family. I have even made some new friends :) 

Some other things that are going on is that I am very short of breath, I have a constant headache & sick feeling, I have lost my appetite. This may be all stress, but I somehow wonder if it is related to my breast. 

I guess that's my rant/thoughts on it all for now. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Loosing battle???

I am seriously not sure what's wrong with me. I have been trying to battle depression and anxiety for years. I am loosing, that's all there is to it. I am exhausted, ache, and have anxiety induced high blood pressure. Wow, who'd have thought it? I had to go to urgent care today for pain in my stomach and chest. The  chest pain is anxiety, and the stomach pain is an inflammed and irritated stomach for all the Ibuprofen I take. Go figure, I hurt so I take ant iinflammatories to help and they make things  worse. Does nothing for my anxiety...

 

 

I have been trying so hard to make things right with work and every time I do it ends up blowing up in my face. I have people calling and yelling and screaming at me every day :( I have all of my family issues I am going through, trying to work through those, with the fear that it will all blow back up in my face.

 

 

My kids are so hyperactive and aren't listening well at the moment. Obviously they have cabin fever and we've got to get out and about. I am really looking forward to getting out this Sunday and letting them run around in the desert. I am looking forward to seeing my friends, and talking to people other than tenants.

 

 

Money is always an issue and my $50 co-pay certainly didn't help. Or the fact that the hospital always seems to find all these new charges for past visits. What the hell is up with our health care system?

 

 

I have no desire to knit or crochet, and those are my 2 main stress relievers. I haven't been crafty at all. I felt ok for a couple days and was able to get a beanie made for Lily. That's how I know I feel good, I knit.

 

 

I have been escaping into books lately. I read an awesome trilogy recently.... Haunted on Bourbon Street, Witches of Bourbon Street, and Demons on Bourbon Street", it's the Jade Calhoun series. LOVED it, a must read for Charlaine Harris fans. It's a cross between her and Nora Roberts. Thanks Crystal for recommending them! I am going to start a "Deadwood" series by Anne Charles, and I am loving what I am  seeing so far! Any suggestions on good books are welcome for those of you who read my blog.

 

I am so badly wanting to change in the new year. I have come a long way from last year. Or so my friend Crystal says... could she be biased? :) My goals for the new year will be a separate post I think. I am going to really sit down on focus on what I can change, not what I want to change.

 

As for my depression and anxiety... it makes it hard to do anything. Anything at all. Loosing battle, yeah I said that, but by hell I am a fighter!!!

 

 

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