Musings

I have so much on my mind right now. Things are so hard. The decisions I make not only affect me, but Ben, the babies, and many of those around us. I don't like hurting people, and I don't like my actions to hurt people, but in the end I have to do what's right for me.

 

I have been hurt so much during my life by people I love, friends, boyfriends, and others... My conclusion to this is that it is up to me to not allow it. I simply can't, for my sanity... I can't.

 

 

I want to be happy, I can feel it just out of my reach. I can see it glimmering in the distance, smiling at me, waiting for me. Why can't I catch it? Why can't I hold it in my arms, embrace it, smile with it? Why oh why?

 

Is it me? Is it I am afraid to be truly happy? Am I the one who's distant? Am I playing hard to get?

 

I smile when inside I feel like screaming, I hold my head high when I feel like crumbling... nothing is real, I am a fake, a phony, and a coward to myself. I don't know my own self. Who am I? Where am I going? Who am I suposed to be? What do I want?

 

 

The shitty thing is I hold the key, the key to my own happiness, my own misery.... Maybe I need to learn acceptance, and learn peace, inner peace. Finding myself inside of myself and nurturing the inner child. Finding my inner innocence and learning to not see the world through the tainted eyes of an angry adult, but that of a whimsical child. Finding the joys of seeing a rainbow, or smelling roses, or running through daisies.

 

 

Maybe, just maybe, I will come to my senses and finally see, see all that I can be. All that I am, and ever will be.

Moving on...

Life over the past few months has been really hard. Some days more than others. I have learned a lot about myself, those around me, and those no longer around me. I have learned that I don't need anyone. However, I can choose to have people in my life. Being dependent on other people for happiness has always been a down fall of mine. I realize I am in control of my life, happiness, destiny, and the people I choose to have around me. If something or someone isn't a fit for my life, then it just IS. There doesn't have to be a reason, or a long drawn out drama filled quest of why's, how comes, what did I do? Nope, none of that, if some thing isn't right, it just isn't. 

I have been apply this to many things in my life, like my house for example. I never knew what was me. I had all this stuff that was given to me over the years, or I'd look at someone else's stuff and start buying things because that's what that person like, never truly thinking about what I liked. Well since I have had some major life changing stuff happen, I have been going through my stuff, EVERYTHING, and asking myself is this really me? Do I like, want, or need this? Honestly I have thrown A LOT out, donated, or gifted things. I am just tired of living in someone else's shadow with things that have little or no meaning to me personally. 

I went through my clothes, shoes, pots, pans,and I will say I was a confused, jumbled mess. I am learning to like myself, hopefully to love myself one day. It is OK to be me, OK to like/dislike things, and to have what I want. 

Hell, I even revamped my Ravelry page, I had tons of projects on there I was never going to make, had em there only because someone else liked em. I have come to realize less is more for me, the less chaos I have the more fulfilled I feel. 

I am responsible only for me. I can't make anyone feel any certain way. I own my thoughts and feelings and I feel if people would do the same, everyone would be a lot happier. I am trying to raise my kids with as little emotional trauma as possible, this way when they're adults they won't have so much garbage to sift through in their own souls. Trust me, I have a lot of emotional garbage!!!

I have been taking my kids out alone, who'd have thought I would do that? I am so glad I did :) We went fishing yesterday. They were able to run in the sun, get soaked in lake water, and make a new friend. I sat and pondered, soaked up some sun, and even managed to catch a trout :) Good times!

I plan on making salt dough ornaments this week with them and decorating for Christmas. I just know everything is going to look awesome. Instead of dwelling on the past I am picking up hooks, needles, yarn, and going to craft. I am going to start painting my house. I am going to teach myself to sew. nd by god I am going to keep my blog up to date for me. So I can get all these thoughts, feelings, and ideas out of my mind and somewhere where I can organize them.

Oh, and a side note here... if your on my blog and your not my friend or family and something offends you... your stalking me, you shouldn't be on here, and you know who you are. Don't call, don't email, kindly stay off my page and away from me.