Musings

I have so much on my mind right now. Things are so hard. The decisions I make not only affect me, but Ben, the babies, and many of those around us. I don't like hurting people, and I don't like my actions to hurt people, but in the end I have to do what's right for me.

 

I have been hurt so much during my life by people I love, friends, boyfriends, and others... My conclusion to this is that it is up to me to not allow it. I simply can't, for my sanity... I can't.

 

 

I want to be happy, I can feel it just out of my reach. I can see it glimmering in the distance, smiling at me, waiting for me. Why can't I catch it? Why can't I hold it in my arms, embrace it, smile with it? Why oh why?

 

Is it me? Is it I am afraid to be truly happy? Am I the one who's distant? Am I playing hard to get?

 

I smile when inside I feel like screaming, I hold my head high when I feel like crumbling... nothing is real, I am a fake, a phony, and a coward to myself. I don't know my own self. Who am I? Where am I going? Who am I suposed to be? What do I want?

 

 

The shitty thing is I hold the key, the key to my own happiness, my own misery.... Maybe I need to learn acceptance, and learn peace, inner peace. Finding myself inside of myself and nurturing the inner child. Finding my inner innocence and learning to not see the world through the tainted eyes of an angry adult, but that of a whimsical child. Finding the joys of seeing a rainbow, or smelling roses, or running through daisies.

 

 

Maybe, just maybe, I will come to my senses and finally see, see all that I can be. All that I am, and ever will be.