Tomorrow is the day

I don't know if it's just me or not, but Aunt Flo arrived today and I can barely feel my lumps. I am hoping that's a good thing and that maybe they are leaving! I will know tomorrow for sure. In the meantime I will sit and focus all of my positive energy into them being nothing more than normal changes. Fingers crossed!

Soap & Cancer

I am in lots of pain today. I am seriously hoping everything is OK. I am having "Oh Shit" moments, where I think that if I do have cancer everything would change. When I am looking in the mirror brushing my hair I wonder how many more times will I brush my hair? Will I have hair in the next few months? Oh course those thoughts quickly turn into, how far is it, how bad is it, will I die? I haven't been diagnosed with ANYTHING yet, except masses. I do not know why I am tormenting myself. I think the closer Thursday gets I am stressing more. I already have anxiety disorder and this  ain't helping. I wonder of I have to have chemo how I will go through it with my husband on the road all the time. My SIL says she'll be here and help in any way she can. I know she will, but I hate to put myself on anyone like that. Obviously I am thinking far ahead, but that's in my nature. I won't apologize for it. No one can tell another person how to feel or what to think. I am getting a lot of that, or having to explain why I am so freaked out. Well let me just say that if you find a mass anywhere on your body and it causes you as much pain as mine does, you'll freak out too. Having said all my negative whiney boo hoo poo poo... I will not take any of this laying down. Should they be fibroids I will get them removed and go on, if it is cancer... well, then I will fight. Tooth and nail. I will not let it best me, nor make me resentful, nor mean. I will do what I have to do and be done with it. 

I am an avid soap maker, love experimenting & by hell this has thrown me for a loop. I am not interested in anything. I have been cleaning a lot because I just don't know what to do with myself. I think I need to get out some. Maybe I will take my little boy fishing tomorrow while my girl is in school. That would be a nice get a way for a little bit, and I just might catch dinner :)

I am waiting on a few orders to come in so that I can make my little girl & my niece some raspberry cheesecake soap. I am going to make it bright pink with glitter. they are just going to love it! Making things for other people makes me feel so good. I am not trying to get rich on my soaps, just make enough to fuel my obsession. I will never use store bought soap again :)

Ugh

I tried calling today to see if anyone had cancelled their appointment so I could get in sooner to see the techs. Of course no one had. I could hope, right? I didn't let it ruin my day. I guess I am just more anxious than I realize. I am trying not to talk about it too much, trying not to think about it too much, or whine. It's hard because the pain is always there, but sometimes I forget about it. 

I was checking my boob earlier today and I couldn't find my lump. I got so excited and thought "Oh man, it's gone". No it's still there, as big as ever, I was checking the wrong spot. The soreness is in the arm pit and into my arm now. The saying from some is that breast cancer doesn't hurt, while just as many say it does. I wonder about that. 

I am bone tired. Not sleeping well, having nightmares. I dunno why I just hate sleeping in my bedroom. I prefer the floor in the living  room. It is so nice and cool and cozy down here. My bedroom seems so cold in an emotional way, but it's hotter than the devils drawers. 

Fall is fast approaching here. There's this lovely nip in the air in the early mornings and night. I am so in love with Flagstaff. I truly feel like this is my home. I love it here. The colors seem so much more vivid here, the air is thinner, not the oppressive heat of Tucson. Tucson to me is brown and dead and ugly. No water, everyone is in a mad rush because the heats made them crazy. I like the small every body-knows-your-name feeling here. The children love to run and play in the grass here and get their feet muddy at the lake. 

I am hoping I have many more days like this with them...

I hope...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Something Odd

So, I have had this lump in my breast for about 6 months (that I have noticed). It has recently, over the last couple weeks, become seriously painful. I put it off and put it off to go get it checked and I just finally couldn't take it any longer. The feeling is like an ache in my breast & arm pit, There are times when there's a burning/tingling feeling as well. The day finally came that I went to the doctor.

She felt both breasts and said that my right breast is a normal, healthy, lumpy breast with some cysts. My left is all sort of outta whack, and has not 1, but 3 "masses". One is close to the side of my arm pit, it is irregular shaped with a ridge. The other 2 she didn't really comment on, she just pointed out their exact location so that I could show the techs when I go for my ultrasound & mammogram. She's very concerned. She says by their shape and texture that they aren't cysts.

So, Thursday 8/29/13 I go at 2:15 for imaging. First and ultrasound, then a mammogram. I was told that a mammo on a 32 year old woman in reproduction years is very hard to read seeing that my breasts are thicker and more dense. I am scared about the mammo, I am scared it's going to really hurt. I think more so because my breast already hurts and is sensitive. Of course I am scared about what the tests will say because it very well could be cancer. 

In my mind I have already told myself that I have cancer, that way if I do then it won't be such a blow when it's confirmed. One things that's absolutely driving me crazy is the fact that people keep saying "I am sure it's nothing, you'll be fine, if it is we will get through it". While all of these things are great to hear, it makes me a little angry. If I was OK, I wouldn't be in all this pain. If it were nothing, there wouldn't be masses in my breast. We will get through this means that, yes I have friends who love me, but it is me that is going through this. I have to sit and wonder if I have breast cancer. I have to sit and wonder how bad it is, has it spread, will I survive longer than 10 years if it is cancer. People say I am looking to far into the future, but put yourself in my position... you'd be doing it too. I am scared, really scared. If it turns out to be nothing then I will be grateful I stressed for nothing. I am allowed to feel how I feel. 

Having said all of my negative thoughts, I am going to stay positive. I am going to donate all of my hair right away to locks of love if I should have to have chemo. If I do not have cancer I am still going to donate 8" of my hair. I know how to knit & crochet, so I will never have to walk around bald. But, I do plan on making and donating 25 chemo caps regardless of the outcome of my tests. I also feel that this scare has brought me closer to my friends & family. I have even made some new friends :) 

Some other things that are going on is that I am very short of breath, I have a constant headache & sick feeling, I have lost my appetite. This may be all stress, but I somehow wonder if it is related to my breast. 

I guess that's my rant/thoughts on it all for now. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX