Something Odd

So, I have had this lump in my breast for about 6 months (that I have noticed). It has recently, over the last couple weeks, become seriously painful. I put it off and put it off to go get it checked and I just finally couldn't take it any longer. The feeling is like an ache in my breast & arm pit, There are times when there's a burning/tingling feeling as well. The day finally came that I went to the doctor.

She felt both breasts and said that my right breast is a normal, healthy, lumpy breast with some cysts. My left is all sort of outta whack, and has not 1, but 3 "masses". One is close to the side of my arm pit, it is irregular shaped with a ridge. The other 2 she didn't really comment on, she just pointed out their exact location so that I could show the techs when I go for my ultrasound & mammogram. She's very concerned. She says by their shape and texture that they aren't cysts.

So, Thursday 8/29/13 I go at 2:15 for imaging. First and ultrasound, then a mammogram. I was told that a mammo on a 32 year old woman in reproduction years is very hard to read seeing that my breasts are thicker and more dense. I am scared about the mammo, I am scared it's going to really hurt. I think more so because my breast already hurts and is sensitive. Of course I am scared about what the tests will say because it very well could be cancer. 

In my mind I have already told myself that I have cancer, that way if I do then it won't be such a blow when it's confirmed. One things that's absolutely driving me crazy is the fact that people keep saying "I am sure it's nothing, you'll be fine, if it is we will get through it". While all of these things are great to hear, it makes me a little angry. If I was OK, I wouldn't be in all this pain. If it were nothing, there wouldn't be masses in my breast. We will get through this means that, yes I have friends who love me, but it is me that is going through this. I have to sit and wonder if I have breast cancer. I have to sit and wonder how bad it is, has it spread, will I survive longer than 10 years if it is cancer. People say I am looking to far into the future, but put yourself in my position... you'd be doing it too. I am scared, really scared. If it turns out to be nothing then I will be grateful I stressed for nothing. I am allowed to feel how I feel. 

Having said all of my negative thoughts, I am going to stay positive. I am going to donate all of my hair right away to locks of love if I should have to have chemo. If I do not have cancer I am still going to donate 8" of my hair. I know how to knit & crochet, so I will never have to walk around bald. But, I do plan on making and donating 25 chemo caps regardless of the outcome of my tests. I also feel that this scare has brought me closer to my friends & family. I have even made some new friends :) 

Some other things that are going on is that I am very short of breath, I have a constant headache & sick feeling, I have lost my appetite. This may be all stress, but I somehow wonder if it is related to my breast. 

I guess that's my rant/thoughts on it all for now. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX