A Year Gone By....

A year has gone by already! I can't believe it. Our wee little family has been through a lot & came out shining. January brought Lily's 5th birthday. She'd gotten a bunny for her birthday & Wyatt got one too. 

February brought our tax returns & me being able to get a much wanted tattoo. I had wanted a cover up for a long time and used it to make something beautiful. The Lily on the back of my shoulder is for Lily Lee, the sugar skull is for the loved ones who have passed away. The cosmos in the eyes are for Ben & Wyatt's birthdays, the purple rose is for Cystic Fibrosis. CF is a horrible hereditary disease that has taken 3 members of my family. I carry the gene & so do my children, but thank goodness none of us have it! The red rose is just a symbol of love, and my love of roses. I have since added another larger cosmo for my Ben & a morning glory for myself. 

March was a very dark time for me personally. It came with the winds of change. I came to a breaking point in my life and had a nervous break down. Of course the doctors called it something else... but in essence it a a breakdown. That is when my husband and I decided that Tucson was no longer an option for us. That we needed to get out and away for my health. We left behind so many positive things as well... but we needed the change. I am so happy we left when we did. One relationship was destroyed beyond repair & all I can do is pray about that.  Moving did seem to bring my parents and I closer and that's been a blessing. Thankfully I have been able to let go, and have been working on healing. March also brought about Easter! Lots of happy smiles and giggles from my wee ones :)

April brought the decision to MOVE. To make it happen & get to Flagstaff. Getting out in the beautiful country where life just seems to move at a slower pace, the air is cleaner, the people are friendlier, and the schools are smaller. It is so beautiful here, so happy. Mind you I don't care for being alone at night, but the hubby is home often enough. The fresh smells of the pines & damp earth just make me smile.

Running through Foxglenn Park with my nieces and my children was awesome. They all had such a fantastic time. Heck our happiness was so infectious it rubbed off on a random girl & she just had to be in our pictures HA HA

May was when everything happened. We got our new cozy little apartment...

 

It also brought our 7 year wedding anniversary with the man I love more than anything. 

And lots of family fun. A trip to the grand canyon? Yes!

June brought fishing trips to Knoll. It was so beautiful there, crystal clear water, beautiful mountains, happiness from my babies. It was out first time there & I just can't wait to go back! June also brought the loss of my brother from CF. He will always be missed, but kept close in my heart.

July was so fun! We went with Nate, Shaunte, my nieces, and my hubby downtown here in Flagstaff for the 4th of July parade. It was so fun walking downtown, watching the floats, then walking through the park for an art fair. TOTALLY awesome. Spending time with family & friends was such an awesome way to spend the day. It was the 2nd parade I'd ever been to :) My babies first! So many firsts here in Flagstaff!! After the parade we went to the golf course, parked our butts right in the middle and watched fireworks. A storm threatened to end the fun, but we toughed it out to the end!

On to August and the beginning of school! Real school for Lily! My lil Kindergartner <3 With Kindergarten came so many hopes and dreams for me & Lily. I think the transition has been harder on her than either of us thought it would be. She's super sensitive and everything gets to her. Poor baby, just like her momma. I think though that once she's used to it she will blossom. She's very friendly and it just takes time.     

September brought my birthday, 33rd, oh Lord! Sometimes I feel so old, like my life is running out. Then I remember I have so much life left to live <3

October brought my honey's 31st birthday & my son's 4th. Happy times <3

November came and went with a much needed visit to my parents & my hubby's family. All the pictures I got from then are horrible. I will have to upload some from our visit to the fairy gardens :)

And here we are in December. I am going to do a separate post on Christmas, but I will say that December has been a month of gifts of the heart. Finding & rekindling a relationship with someone that is very close to my heart has been huge. You know who you are <3 

What a huge difference a year can make. We lose people, we find people, we lose ourselves, we find ourselves. Living is really important. Living life to the fullest, making memories, and being good to people. Though this year has been hard, I am so grateful that I have had it with my little family. I am thankful for every single up and down that I have had. Here's to another fabulous year!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Lily's Cranberry Bake

 Ok, I made the most delicious  bread.  It's a cranberry bread.  I'm putting this here so I don't forget what I did! I did this off the top of my head :)  My little girl &  I  wanted something sweet &  we used what ingredients we had.  It's
so good!


2c  flour
1tbsp  baking powder
1/2c  packed brown sugar
1/2c  sugar
1/2c  butter
1 egg
1tbsp vanilla
1 lemon zested ( only use zest)
2c whole cranberry

 Mix  flour &  baking powder &  set aside
 Cream other  ingredients together
 Add  dry ingredients &  mix well
 Add cranberry

 Bake  on 375°  for 45-50  minutes
 Serve hot  with a dollop of butter

Bubba's Bee Doo Bee Doo Pattern

Oh, I am NOT a good pattern writer... But I am going to try.

I used red heart super saver solids in yellow, black, white, and blue. I used these because my son is 4, I needed something sturdy, that holds it's shape, and is washable.

I used size 7 circular needles to start, switched to size 7 DPN's once I started decreasing.
I used a size G crochet hook for the eyes.

I CO 70 st using blue
I knit about 10 rows in blue, switched to yellow & knit about 10 rows, switched to black & knit 5 rows, switched back to yellow. I just carried the yarn up through switching colors so I didn't have any knots.

I knit to desired length, basically I kept trying the hat on my son's massive dome (tee hee) until it just covered his noggin.

Decreasing I did in increments of 7 ...
K7 K 2 tog until end
K round
K6 k 2 tog
K round
Keep doing so until you have 6 stitches. sl off pearl wise w/tapestry needle
sinch tightly & weave in ends

Eyes
I started with black
ch 3 sl st to join
sc 6 into circle
sc 2 in ea st
switch to white sc in ea st
sc 1st st 2 in next repeat around
switch to gray sc in ea st sl st into beginning ch at end of round and weave in ends
Make 2 & sew to hat

Wear!

I am not a professional writer ha ha. Just a mommy who loves to make momma made goodies for her friends, family, & babies. Hope you enjoy the "pattern". I don't mind if you use it, sell your products from it, do what you like :)

Sledding & Playing in Snow

My sweet husband took us to the snow bowl to sled <3 It was such a magical beautiful day. The squeals and giggles on the children's faces were just so sweet. I am brought to tears so often by the sheer joy they find in even the smallest things. They love the outdoors and being in nature. The "Daddy push me" rings through the mountains & is so lovely. 

This man right here has my heart. He's everything a woman could ask for. Kind, caring, sensitive, a fantastic father, and my very best friend. He's got an inner light about him, it shines even in the darkest times. 

The ever faithful companion... she could not stand for her babies to walk away. She sat just like this until they came back. 

My Silly Lily <3 How I love this kid!

I think Wyatt's face summed it all up this day... sheer glee!

Isn't the snow beautiful? While we were on the hills the sun came out and the snow glittered like diamonds. I sat wrapped in a sleeping bag while everyone ran up and down hills. I wanted to sled down the hill so badly, not sure why I didn't. There will be plenty of time for that though, won't there.

There is such a spirituality being out in the open, seeing all of the beauty. 

We finished out the day with the children playing video games & watching Polar Express. That movie always makes me cry :) I believe in Santa... after all, Santa IS the spirit of Christmas. 

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Some Hooky Goodness

I  made these little flowers tonight just because they make me smile.  I'm contemplating making a beautiful wreath with them and making numerous more types of flowers to go on it.   The louder the color the better! These flowers are made from KnitPicks comfy. It's a cotton acrylic blend.

 I also made my mother in  law some goodies today and that made my heart really happy. I think she'll just love them!

I'M BACK

I had thought awfully seriously about deleting my blog, and I did for a while. But I have decided that's just plain silly. I love blogging, even though I am not super regular at it. I have  also decided to not let the negative of another person interfere with me doing what I love.

I am in a good place mentally right now. There are many changes coming soon for Ben & I & the babies. I know that these things will enrich our lives and make things easier on our little family as well as the rest of the family. I am always looking at the bigger picture, trying to be the best that I can be. I think that Ben is striving for that too :)

Flagstaff has been the hardest move we have ever made. Financially it's insane here. It's beautiful, weather is always fantastic, and the schools are pretty decent. I miss my family in Tucson though, I miss my mom and dad especially. Sometimes I feel so cut off from everyone and everything, and that's what I wanted moving here wasn't it? Well, it was, but now not so much. I have learned that your problems follow you wherever you go, you can't run from things or people. Maybe I was even running from myself. I am different now, I won't tolerate negative. I have learned that all I have to do is walk away from a bad situation. I am OK with that. Just because someone else is miserable doesn't mean that I have to be, or that I should be. Being happy and smiling kills your enemies, makes the wallow in it. I am done wallowing & hiding!

I am going on a hunting trip my love this weekend in Benson AZ. I am so looking forward to it :) I have never really been hunting, just out shooting. I am not hunting myself, I am going as  a scout for the hubby. I am def going to be posting pictures of that!!!

Other than that, I am plain old simple me. Making all my home made goodies, living, loving, and laughing.

Well after all my testing I have found out that  I do not have cancer. I have an infection in some scar tissue in my breast. It's still driving me nuts, but that's ok... I do not have cancer. 

I have been back to making & selling my soaps. I love it :) It seems that a few of them are big favorites & that makes me happy. Pumpkin Spice, Honey Vanilla Vanilla, & Hemp Chamomile. I am also back to making my lip balms. They are becoming a favorite from people too. 

www.facebook.com/JamiesCorner is my link :)

Life has been pretty hard this past year. I think I have gone through enough to bring anyone down. I have had some really horrible moments, and a lot of wake up calls. I have learned a lot about myself and am working very hard on not being who I was a year ago.

In March I had a nervous breakdown and tried to kill myself. I was drinking and taking Welbutrin (yes it was prescribed to me). It just made me snap. I have dealt with that and pretty much forgiven myself. My Ben was there for me the entire time, and I kept it all from my kids. 

The family turmoil I was going through with everyone in Tucson and my job all ended in May when we moved to Flagstaff. It's been good for us here. We have a life & were happy.

June 12th my uncle (who I have always called my brother because I am adopted) died of Cystic Fibrosis. It has brought up a lot of anger on my part, specifically because the last year of his life we just couldn't get a long. I blame his wife mainly for that. She would add fuel to the fire and manipulate him to where he didn't know fact from fiction. She didn't even call to let me know he was slipping away. She made sure HER family was there all the while pushing my family out. My brother did with out us ever making ammends. I will never forgive her for it. I can't stand to see her play the role of the grieving widow. Evil, pure evil. 

Now there's a lot weighing on my mind for my aging parents. So many decision that weigh on me. I am trying so hard to remain positive and focus on the here and now. But, I have to think about the future, everything I am trying to build here can be ripped from me in an instant.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Tomorrow is the day

I don't know if it's just me or not, but Aunt Flo arrived today and I can barely feel my lumps. I am hoping that's a good thing and that maybe they are leaving! I will know tomorrow for sure. In the meantime I will sit and focus all of my positive energy into them being nothing more than normal changes. Fingers crossed!

Soap & Cancer

I am in lots of pain today. I am seriously hoping everything is OK. I am having "Oh Shit" moments, where I think that if I do have cancer everything would change. When I am looking in the mirror brushing my hair I wonder how many more times will I brush my hair? Will I have hair in the next few months? Oh course those thoughts quickly turn into, how far is it, how bad is it, will I die? I haven't been diagnosed with ANYTHING yet, except masses. I do not know why I am tormenting myself. I think the closer Thursday gets I am stressing more. I already have anxiety disorder and this  ain't helping. I wonder of I have to have chemo how I will go through it with my husband on the road all the time. My SIL says she'll be here and help in any way she can. I know she will, but I hate to put myself on anyone like that. Obviously I am thinking far ahead, but that's in my nature. I won't apologize for it. No one can tell another person how to feel or what to think. I am getting a lot of that, or having to explain why I am so freaked out. Well let me just say that if you find a mass anywhere on your body and it causes you as much pain as mine does, you'll freak out too. Having said all my negative whiney boo hoo poo poo... I will not take any of this laying down. Should they be fibroids I will get them removed and go on, if it is cancer... well, then I will fight. Tooth and nail. I will not let it best me, nor make me resentful, nor mean. I will do what I have to do and be done with it. 

I am an avid soap maker, love experimenting & by hell this has thrown me for a loop. I am not interested in anything. I have been cleaning a lot because I just don't know what to do with myself. I think I need to get out some. Maybe I will take my little boy fishing tomorrow while my girl is in school. That would be a nice get a way for a little bit, and I just might catch dinner :)

I am waiting on a few orders to come in so that I can make my little girl & my niece some raspberry cheesecake soap. I am going to make it bright pink with glitter. they are just going to love it! Making things for other people makes me feel so good. I am not trying to get rich on my soaps, just make enough to fuel my obsession. I will never use store bought soap again :)

Ugh

I tried calling today to see if anyone had cancelled their appointment so I could get in sooner to see the techs. Of course no one had. I could hope, right? I didn't let it ruin my day. I guess I am just more anxious than I realize. I am trying not to talk about it too much, trying not to think about it too much, or whine. It's hard because the pain is always there, but sometimes I forget about it. 

I was checking my boob earlier today and I couldn't find my lump. I got so excited and thought "Oh man, it's gone". No it's still there, as big as ever, I was checking the wrong spot. The soreness is in the arm pit and into my arm now. The saying from some is that breast cancer doesn't hurt, while just as many say it does. I wonder about that. 

I am bone tired. Not sleeping well, having nightmares. I dunno why I just hate sleeping in my bedroom. I prefer the floor in the living  room. It is so nice and cool and cozy down here. My bedroom seems so cold in an emotional way, but it's hotter than the devils drawers. 

Fall is fast approaching here. There's this lovely nip in the air in the early mornings and night. I am so in love with Flagstaff. I truly feel like this is my home. I love it here. The colors seem so much more vivid here, the air is thinner, not the oppressive heat of Tucson. Tucson to me is brown and dead and ugly. No water, everyone is in a mad rush because the heats made them crazy. I like the small every body-knows-your-name feeling here. The children love to run and play in the grass here and get their feet muddy at the lake. 

I am hoping I have many more days like this with them...

I hope...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Something Odd

So, I have had this lump in my breast for about 6 months (that I have noticed). It has recently, over the last couple weeks, become seriously painful. I put it off and put it off to go get it checked and I just finally couldn't take it any longer. The feeling is like an ache in my breast & arm pit, There are times when there's a burning/tingling feeling as well. The day finally came that I went to the doctor.

She felt both breasts and said that my right breast is a normal, healthy, lumpy breast with some cysts. My left is all sort of outta whack, and has not 1, but 3 "masses". One is close to the side of my arm pit, it is irregular shaped with a ridge. The other 2 she didn't really comment on, she just pointed out their exact location so that I could show the techs when I go for my ultrasound & mammogram. She's very concerned. She says by their shape and texture that they aren't cysts.

So, Thursday 8/29/13 I go at 2:15 for imaging. First and ultrasound, then a mammogram. I was told that a mammo on a 32 year old woman in reproduction years is very hard to read seeing that my breasts are thicker and more dense. I am scared about the mammo, I am scared it's going to really hurt. I think more so because my breast already hurts and is sensitive. Of course I am scared about what the tests will say because it very well could be cancer. 

In my mind I have already told myself that I have cancer, that way if I do then it won't be such a blow when it's confirmed. One things that's absolutely driving me crazy is the fact that people keep saying "I am sure it's nothing, you'll be fine, if it is we will get through it". While all of these things are great to hear, it makes me a little angry. If I was OK, I wouldn't be in all this pain. If it were nothing, there wouldn't be masses in my breast. We will get through this means that, yes I have friends who love me, but it is me that is going through this. I have to sit and wonder if I have breast cancer. I have to sit and wonder how bad it is, has it spread, will I survive longer than 10 years if it is cancer. People say I am looking to far into the future, but put yourself in my position... you'd be doing it too. I am scared, really scared. If it turns out to be nothing then I will be grateful I stressed for nothing. I am allowed to feel how I feel. 

Having said all of my negative thoughts, I am going to stay positive. I am going to donate all of my hair right away to locks of love if I should have to have chemo. If I do not have cancer I am still going to donate 8" of my hair. I know how to knit & crochet, so I will never have to walk around bald. But, I do plan on making and donating 25 chemo caps regardless of the outcome of my tests. I also feel that this scare has brought me closer to my friends & family. I have even made some new friends :) 

Some other things that are going on is that I am very short of breath, I have a constant headache & sick feeling, I have lost my appetite. This may be all stress, but I somehow wonder if it is related to my breast. 

I guess that's my rant/thoughts on it all for now. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX