Loosing battle???

I am seriously not sure what's wrong with me. I have been trying to battle depression and anxiety for years. I am loosing, that's all there is to it. I am exhausted, ache, and have anxiety induced high blood pressure. Wow, who'd have thought it? I had to go to urgent care today for pain in my stomach and chest. The  chest pain is anxiety, and the stomach pain is an inflammed and irritated stomach for all the Ibuprofen I take. Go figure, I hurt so I take ant iinflammatories to help and they make things  worse. Does nothing for my anxiety...

 

 

I have been trying so hard to make things right with work and every time I do it ends up blowing up in my face. I have people calling and yelling and screaming at me every day :( I have all of my family issues I am going through, trying to work through those, with the fear that it will all blow back up in my face.

 

 

My kids are so hyperactive and aren't listening well at the moment. Obviously they have cabin fever and we've got to get out and about. I am really looking forward to getting out this Sunday and letting them run around in the desert. I am looking forward to seeing my friends, and talking to people other than tenants.

 

 

Money is always an issue and my $50 co-pay certainly didn't help. Or the fact that the hospital always seems to find all these new charges for past visits. What the hell is up with our health care system?

 

 

I have no desire to knit or crochet, and those are my 2 main stress relievers. I haven't been crafty at all. I felt ok for a couple days and was able to get a beanie made for Lily. That's how I know I feel good, I knit.

 

 

I have been escaping into books lately. I read an awesome trilogy recently.... Haunted on Bourbon Street, Witches of Bourbon Street, and Demons on Bourbon Street", it's the Jade Calhoun series. LOVED it, a must read for Charlaine Harris fans. It's a cross between her and Nora Roberts. Thanks Crystal for recommending them! I am going to start a "Deadwood" series by Anne Charles, and I am loving what I am  seeing so far! Any suggestions on good books are welcome for those of you who read my blog.

 

I am so badly wanting to change in the new year. I have come a long way from last year. Or so my friend Crystal says... could she be biased? :) My goals for the new year will be a separate post I think. I am going to really sit down on focus on what I can change, not what I want to change.

 

As for my depression and anxiety... it makes it hard to do anything. Anything at all. Loosing battle, yeah I said that, but by hell I am a fighter!!!

 

 

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Musings

I have so much on my mind right now. Things are so hard. The decisions I make not only affect me, but Ben, the babies, and many of those around us. I don't like hurting people, and I don't like my actions to hurt people, but in the end I have to do what's right for me.

 

I have been hurt so much during my life by people I love, friends, boyfriends, and others... My conclusion to this is that it is up to me to not allow it. I simply can't, for my sanity... I can't.

 

 

I want to be happy, I can feel it just out of my reach. I can see it glimmering in the distance, smiling at me, waiting for me. Why can't I catch it? Why can't I hold it in my arms, embrace it, smile with it? Why oh why?

 

Is it me? Is it I am afraid to be truly happy? Am I the one who's distant? Am I playing hard to get?

 

I smile when inside I feel like screaming, I hold my head high when I feel like crumbling... nothing is real, I am a fake, a phony, and a coward to myself. I don't know my own self. Who am I? Where am I going? Who am I suposed to be? What do I want?

 

 

The shitty thing is I hold the key, the key to my own happiness, my own misery.... Maybe I need to learn acceptance, and learn peace, inner peace. Finding myself inside of myself and nurturing the inner child. Finding my inner innocence and learning to not see the world through the tainted eyes of an angry adult, but that of a whimsical child. Finding the joys of seeing a rainbow, or smelling roses, or running through daisies.

 

 

Maybe, just maybe, I will come to my senses and finally see, see all that I can be. All that I am, and ever will be.

Moving on...

Life over the past few months has been really hard. Some days more than others. I have learned a lot about myself, those around me, and those no longer around me. I have learned that I don't need anyone. However, I can choose to have people in my life. Being dependent on other people for happiness has always been a down fall of mine. I realize I am in control of my life, happiness, destiny, and the people I choose to have around me. If something or someone isn't a fit for my life, then it just IS. There doesn't have to be a reason, or a long drawn out drama filled quest of why's, how comes, what did I do? Nope, none of that, if some thing isn't right, it just isn't. 

I have been apply this to many things in my life, like my house for example. I never knew what was me. I had all this stuff that was given to me over the years, or I'd look at someone else's stuff and start buying things because that's what that person like, never truly thinking about what I liked. Well since I have had some major life changing stuff happen, I have been going through my stuff, EVERYTHING, and asking myself is this really me? Do I like, want, or need this? Honestly I have thrown A LOT out, donated, or gifted things. I am just tired of living in someone else's shadow with things that have little or no meaning to me personally. 

I went through my clothes, shoes, pots, pans,and I will say I was a confused, jumbled mess. I am learning to like myself, hopefully to love myself one day. It is OK to be me, OK to like/dislike things, and to have what I want. 

Hell, I even revamped my Ravelry page, I had tons of projects on there I was never going to make, had em there only because someone else liked em. I have come to realize less is more for me, the less chaos I have the more fulfilled I feel. 

I am responsible only for me. I can't make anyone feel any certain way. I own my thoughts and feelings and I feel if people would do the same, everyone would be a lot happier. I am trying to raise my kids with as little emotional trauma as possible, this way when they're adults they won't have so much garbage to sift through in their own souls. Trust me, I have a lot of emotional garbage!!!

I have been taking my kids out alone, who'd have thought I would do that? I am so glad I did :) We went fishing yesterday. They were able to run in the sun, get soaked in lake water, and make a new friend. I sat and pondered, soaked up some sun, and even managed to catch a trout :) Good times!

I plan on making salt dough ornaments this week with them and decorating for Christmas. I just know everything is going to look awesome. Instead of dwelling on the past I am picking up hooks, needles, yarn, and going to craft. I am going to start painting my house. I am going to teach myself to sew. nd by god I am going to keep my blog up to date for me. So I can get all these thoughts, feelings, and ideas out of my mind and somewhere where I can organize them.

Oh, and a side note here... if your on my blog and your not my friend or family and something offends you... your stalking me, you shouldn't be on here, and you know who you are. Don't call, don't email, kindly stay off my page and away from me.

Feelin' fulfilled...

I have to say that today has to have been one of the most perfect days ... I have been crafting with the kids all morning, we made shrinky dinks. For those who do not know what they are, they are little bits of a thin plastic material with an image printed on it that you color with colored pencils. I did a few and so did the babies. Really this was a trial run, to see if they'd like it or not. They loved it tons & now all of our beautiful art work is hanging on the fridge.

Tomorrow we're going to make new crayons out of old crayons. Once we do it I will post a how-to on here. I still really need to post all my pics from today's adventures as well.

The babies are lying in their beds watching Strawberry Shortcake, I am sitting with my granny blanket in my lap, my HUGE mug of Crystal Light, and almost all my lights are out. Just a few candles burning & "Crime 360" is on in the back ground. I have a warm puppy lying next to me, and finally have no headache. I'm full, kids are full, and I think the fur babies are too.

This is my moment. My happiness.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Following the happiness...

The pic above is a bath poof I just made for the hubby.

But this bottom pic is my granny stripe blanket. I love this pic so much and it has all my fav things... Coffee, yarn, a hooky project, and my antiquey light :) I look and instantly smile.

Just this very short post to share something that makes me so happy :)

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Happiness Pursuit...

So, I have started my granny blanket that I'd talked about earlier. I have several rows started on it & I must say that so far I am quite happy with it. HERE is the link to what I am making although I have cut my blankie in half. Instead of 240 I am doing 120. I am doing this simply because I am making this one for Lou Lou Belle...

When the baby says "It's so soft and snugly momma, it hasta be good", how can I resist???

Yeah... it's hers <3

I look into those big beautiful blue eyes and just can  not resist her :)

Sooooo in the beginning there is yarn, lots & lots of yarn...

How I do love yarn, I think I am border line hoarder, obsessive lol. I love the feel, smell, and colors so much. I think yarn (my obsession with yarn) is a very good anti depressant. Anyone who knows me knows that I have Major Depressive Disorder & Social Anxiety. Eh, I am OK for the most part, I deal... hell maybe a  little ADHD in there too.... Ummm where was I? Oh, yes, my Blanety Blankie Blanket...

OMJesus the frikkin chining 120 & then getting the SC right is a bastaaaarrrrddd, but I did it! I can not imagine doing the actual 240!!!! Go Lucy of Attic24, go!!! 

I am using knit picks comfy worsted yarn in a multitude of colors, if you;d like to know exactly what it is, it is here on my ravelry page. 

This is what I have so far :)

I am totally in love already and only after 5 rows. I am getting a lot better at things, I must say that tension is an absolute necessity... meaning that you must learn how to have an even tension. I myself tend to crochet/knit much tighter than everyone I know. Soooo I use a needle/hook 1-2 times bigger than called for.   It honestly is much more important than what I'd originally thought! I am using an I hook & my yarn is a DK ish weight. 

Well friends I will continue to post updated work here ;0)

Please say a prayer or send good thoughts, my dog is gravely ill.

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This little light of mine...

I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine...

Today was end of year performances at Lily's school. She's in a preschool Tuesday-Thursday, 12:30 -3:30. These are something that I have been looking forward to  all year. I got to see her with her friends, some old, some new. I even made a friend & our kids want to have play dates :) That's something I have always wanted... play dates :)

They sang "This Little Light", "Down by the Bay", "Chili Peppers", and "Out in the Desert". Yep, I did, I recorded the whole thing, goofy smiles & all. I was so proud & teared up so much. How I adore my Lilyana Lee <3

Oh, yes... pictures :)

Here is Wyatt anxiously awaiting Lily...

Lily sitting with her class mates... Her BFF Dani Lee is in the green shirt...

Her other BFF Carolina is in the blue vest... Carla is in white, she's Carolina's sister...

This is Miss Angela's (Lily's class) & Miss Emilies class combined....

My pretty girl having snack...

Two peas in a pod, Dani & Lily...

Here's her friend who she always sits with on the school bus, Marcus...

Lily has 3 teachers ...

Miss Peggy

Miss Raquel...

And her main teacher, Miss Angela :)

What a great year, with fantastic friends, learning experiences, and friendships. I am so blessed to have such an amazingly beautiful, sweet, smart, big girl. I love you Lilyana Lee, I am glad God chose me to be your momma :) I am proud of you!!!

 Next year no more special ed <3

That's all of my gushing :)

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Pursuit of Happiness

Hmmm, lots going on in my head. I think people in general aren't bad, but all have a bad streak in them? I am making it a priority at this point in my life to be a much more positive person. By doing so I am cutting people out of my life who bring me down. I am done with giving second, third, fourth chances. I have got to be the best mommy, friend, and wife I can be, so that I am happy with myself inside. I am on the pursuit of happiness. 

Having said that, I am going to dive more into my yarn obsession, knit & crochet things that make me smile, and surround myself with positive colors, energy, vibes, & images. 

Current WIPS are:

Granny Stripe Blankie

Granny Mandala

My sockies

All of these things make me happy. The yarn colors, feel, and finished project makes me smile. I love to give my creations away as much as I like to keep things. I am thinking of working on some things for my mom as well. Maybe if I fill my time with needles & hooks I won't have time to think of any negativity in my down time :) 

Well I believe this is my first post with out pics? Eh, click on the links & you'll see. 

Love this song "Pursuit of Happiness"

Anaconda's cupcakes

So, after a very very trying day of scolding, spanking, and arguing with the kiddos, I decided Lily "anaconda" Lee & I would make cupcakes. She's been asking and asking, and you know what? I figured it would be good for just the 2 of us to do something fun together. 

I actually let her do it all!

From breaking the eggs...

To adding the oil & water...

Then the mix...

And finally beating them...

She had such a good time and so did I :) What a perfect end to an otherwise shit day!

I am a hooker...

So first off here's my sock progress.

I think it is coming along quite nicely. I am on the heel now & pretty soon Ill start combining it all, so excited. One of my favorite blogs, CrochetwithRaymond, shows so many awesome socks. Actually this blog has inspired me to even work on socks. I love all of her stuff... I mean, who doesn't love a lesbian hooker, with a cat for a son? Anywhoo this chick is awesome!

So I am starting this ripple blanket for my son. I have a TON of Lily Sugar N Cream & Peaches N Creme... so my goal is to use what I have, under no circumstances go buy more yarn for his, or for my DD ripple. Can I do it??? Well friends your going to have to visit again to see.

I ordered the Lucy Style Craft pack to do my own ripple, and then I've got this...

from Knit Picks to make yet another blankie. I am becoming quite obsessed with blankets :)

I frogged Wyatt's sock monkey blanket, it was just horrible, and I couldn't get a good feeling from working on it, hence the ripple lol.

I think the possibilities are endless, and I am excited to customize the kids blankets :) oh and socks, I wanna make them socks, and hats, oh and sweaters....

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So I am gonna make soap...



Eventually that is...

And this is how I'm gonna do it...

Yes, yes you can call me crazy, with "oh my Gawd your kids, dog, what the heck..." But hey, I do believe I can do it. I also think that for the size batches (small) I am going to make I seriously don't need to worry about the lye so much. Ok, that's a lie, because lye is dangerous, I mean seriously, would I lie...LMAO, sorry had to do that.

OK seriously though, I am a NOVICE, and NO ONE should attempt to make soap ( I haven't yet) SERIOUSLY, guys, without watching some videos, googling it, whatever. Just do not do anything I do and say you did it because of me, because seriously if an eye is put it, that ain't my fault... we clear?

I will def keep everyone updated, and my endeavors will obviously be posted here. Everyone knows I am seriously an internet whore, so yeah, it'll all be here :)

Gotta buy some supplies... I def do NOT want to use the same utensils, crock pot, or pans that I use for soap for eating... yucky! I bet lye gettin inside would not be pleasant...

Yep, I will def be taking every precaution :)

I think I will start with some glycerin soaps, just because I know the kids will want to play too :)

Wow, that pic is scary!!!

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Vanilla Dream may be myworst nightmare

OK, so, I am working on socks, you know I have never ever made them before. I am a relatively new knitter, only been doing so since December... BUT I will NOT give up. I am working on these socks HERE is the pattern. I am following it to the T, except I messed up & on the row where you switch from the cuff (kk,pp) I accidentally did a pp, kk. That's OK, it looks awesome! Usually a cuff pattern is k,p,k,p (knit, purl) all the way around, or kk, pp. So no biggie that I messed up. Good thing for me is this blog so that whenever I get to the other sock I will be able to look @ my blog & say "Ah, yes, that IS what I did :) Plus these are MY socks & an imperfection just means that they are home made.

Progress...

Mind you it is taking me sooooo long because I have had to rip this SOB out like 8 times, literally. BUT, I get it now, and I am on the leg part. That is just plain ole kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, knitting :) for 7 inches, that is A LOT lol! I am doing these on size 2 DPN's, they are my lovely harmony wood set from knitpicks.com. These needles are my absolute favories. I am thinking awfully seriously of ordering their straights & circulars. BUT they are expensive. Maybe a birthday pressie? Or a anniversary pressie?

HAHA ok, that's be all on this topic now lol. I am going to work on this demon sock now, tend to sick babies, and contemplate deleting my FB..... or only using it to post blog links, what do you think?

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Red Rock fun

Hansome hubby!! He's too cooooool...

View from the ground...

Going up... Come on mom!

No mom really! Your taking forever!!!

We were there with Chris, Ben's boss, our closest friend. He's an amazing guy & honestly it's a privelage being in his company. He loves our kids & treats them as his own. Looking forward to many many more good times.

View from the top, we all sounded like we'd ran a marathon! I was surprised at how well little feet did! So proud of my babies.

Pretty Girl

He didn't want thispic taken at all, he was actually running by while I snapped it lol!

Look mommy, we got one!

Oh so tired babies...

And this is how this Santa Cruz family spends every spare moment, getting out, living life, enjoying each other, trying to avoid stress. This place is beautiful with it;s desert, saguaros, and washes. Beautiful campsites & plenty of wood. I can assure you I'll post pics of us camping here soon!

MMMM I can't wait to go camp & fish @ Parker Canyon!

Bye lovies :)

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Revamp of the kids room

So we're in the process of slowly redoing the kids room. These obviously are the before pictures. I've got such hopes, aspirations, and ideas for their little abode. I really want to make it so comfy, cozy, and happy... their little get-a-way. I am going to go look at rugs for their room, also going to buy some vynil tile. Mom had dogs & kitties & so the carpet had to go.

I will post more pics as we go through & fix up.

I know it's not my house (this house is a perk of managing here) but I still want to treat it as my own, so that it;s nice & a little better than before me. This is an old farm house, actually Double R Ranch is an old farm, but now it's a mobile home park. I absolutely love it here, and love my job... even though it's trying sometimes.

I have so much to talk about, it's my blog, so I may post several things today/tomoro just to catch anyone up, does anyone even read this blog? Eh, I do it for myself any way :)

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WIPS

OK so I have been slacking... my creative juices have been flowing so much, and I have been organizing, creating, etc. I have tons os pics, I have to post here... So a few things first...

All of this here is unfinished & I a making it a goal of mine to finish up all this stuff... Lily's little camo hat was finished, but it got a snag so now it needs a good fixin...

I did end up finishing the pot holder I was working on, I am going to make a few more of these I think, just because I like them so much :)

Have my friends ever wondered what my "stash" looks like? This is some of it :) I have misc fiber yarns in the top, Lily Sugr n Cream multis in the next bin, Lily Sugar n Cream solids in the next, and the trunk? Well that would have acrylic blends...

What's that you say? That's a shit ton of yarn? Yes it is lovies, but it goes soooooo fast! LSC is my FAVVVVVV yarn (for now)...

This is my "area", where the magic happens. These few things are my working on stuff. No, that trunkabsolutely isn't filled with yarn ( I have such hopes for that!)  It actually holds my pictures.

I am starting to collect beads, sequins, buttons, and brads... yes I do feel another obsession coming on, why do you ask?

I think that is it for now.

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